Christmas Day Solo Ascent of Mount Washington

“The moon is a loyal companion. It never leaves. It’s always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do. Every day it’s a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human. Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by imperfections.”

Hello Christmas morning. How I wished I could have just slept through the end of this year. All of these holidays, how I wished they would just not happen this year. Because it meant I had to face them alone, without family, with my mom.

I made a promise to myself that I would spend this day alone. I would force myself to feel al the feels. I would accept what had happen to me this year, and I would feel the pain of missing her, feel the uncomfortable feeling out not knowing what to do when I first woke up in the morning with no one to call and wish a Merry Christmas.

You know what they say, you wont get far if you don't step out of your comfort zone. 

I woke up, opened the few gifts friends had given me and gave Ricky Bobby his gifts to open. Once done, I immediately jumped up, packed my pack and headed out the door. I made a choice to hike Mount Washington by myself. Knowing not many others would be out on this day and also knowing the weather conditions were going to be perfect!

I knew that if I had stayed home, I would have to suffer through watching social media post after social media posts of families and friends enjoying spending their time with their significant others and loved ones. Knowing I didn't have any of that this year, I could not bare the thought of torturing myself with seeing that for hours. I would not allow myself to get caught up in the depression that comes with the loss of not just a parent, but an entire family.

Ricky Bobby and I got in the car and headed towards the Ammo Trailhead for a somewhat early start. Sun was shining and skies were blue! He was not thrilled about wearing his new harness but quickly got over it once we got there.

Arrived at the trailhead around 9:00am and hit the trail. I was in absolutely no rush today and wanted to just enjoy the day above the trees, in my favorite place on earth.

We took our time heading up the Ammo. It wasn't until we hit tree-line we spotted our first other human on trail. Chatted with this gentleman who told me this was his first ever winter ascent! I was stoked for him, wished him luck and kept going in hopes I would see him at the top to congratulate him.

Finally making it to Lakes of the Clouds Hut, I took a quick jaunt to the rooftop to take some photos, ate a quick snack and kept on trekking for the next mile or so towards the summit. Seeing nothing but the beauty that lies in front of me. Vastly large snowfields to cross. Pacing myself so I do not overheat or have to stop often. Just simply one foot in front of the other.

As I continued to the summit, I said out loud "I miss you mom." & "I love you mom." I made sure to feel her with me, carry her with me, and keep her with me the entire day. Often times holding my necklace that has a small turtle on it, I bought the day after she passed. Rubbing it for good luck and safety in the Mountains.

Finally making it to the summit, I popped inside to wish my co-workers a Merry Christmas and to drink some water before headed back down. Once done taking some fun photos with Ricky Bobby, we started to head down when running into the man who was completing his first winter ascent! I high-fived him as I passed and said good work! Kept on my way.

Passing a few other happy souls on my way down. One asked me to take his picture on the way up, also his fist winter ascent, and another gentleman down at the hut who happened to be a former trustee of the Mount Washington Observatory. 

Such a small world and a beautiful place to meet others spending their holiday on top of the highest peak in the north east.

Once I was back at my car, I felt this amazing peace. For the first time in months, I met and communicated with others who knew nothing about me. They didn't know I had lost my mother just a few months prior. For the first time in months, I finally felt like I was not being judged every time some looked at me, or talked to me. I finally felt like people weren't looking at me with that "that poor girl" look.

I f*cking felt whole again. I felt like me.