Hiking for Mental Health

It was almost one year ago I lost my mother to Triple Negative Breast Cancer and stage four lung cancer. Her battle to this disease was short-lived and she passed away after only 5.5 months of treatment.

Growing up as a child, I never knew my father. When I was 18 years old he died of an overdose to drugs and alcohol leaving me feeling like I had never gotten a chance to even ask him if he remembered me, or why he did the things he did, or better yet, care about me. My mother did everything in her power to become both the best mother and father I could have. She did a great job at it even while raising four kids on her own.

My Father & I Camping

She was my absolute best friend and confidant. Never really growing up in a healthy home, and always having disagreements about my siblings substance abuse issues, she was always the glue that still kept us together as a family. Family was her priority, and she made it clear that no matter what family always came first.

When she was diagnosed, I was the first one of her children she told. From her first doctors appointment to her last, I dedicated the next five months of my life taking care of her. Becoming her primary caregiver. I would drive from my home in Gorham, NH to hers in Boston, MA sometimes 3-4 times a week just to get her where she needed to be. I would cook for her, do her grocery shopping, make sure all her medications were laid out for her for the following days I would not be there, I scheduled all of her doctors appointments, and so on. All while still trying to work my full time job remotely from her house, doctors offices, and even her chemo room.

Life as I knew it, was so busy I had no idea what would happen when she passed.

My mother passed the morning of June 5, 2019. I was her healthcare proxy and was the first to be notified she had died peacefully. This meant, it was me who then had to contact the immediate family to allow them their last visit with her before they sent her away to the funeral home to be prepped for her funeral.

My Mothers Casket

I was in a total fight or flight response for so many months and had planned this all out. It almost came natural and easy for me to drive down to Boston that morning, pick out her final outfit, plan and arrange an entire funeral, and say my final goodbyes.

Soon after the funeral, I took a trip to Hawaii. When I came home it had only been about 5 weeks since her passing. However, my life had gone back to my old normal before she got sick. I went back to work and started seeing my friends again. But something was missing. There was this big void left in my life. I had no clue how to adjust back to reality. I had spent so many days and months calling her multiple times a day, planning the next trip to Boston, planning the next doctor's appointment, and now I had too much time to be filled.

My Mother Loved Turtles (Hawaii 2019)

So not even a few days later I took a girls trip to Baxter State Park to hike Katahdin with two of my girlfriends who had never been or hiked it before. It was this weekend that filled that void.

After coming home from that weekend trip, the following weekend my mind was racing, I started to develop nightmares of what had just happened to me. I called a friend and asked if they had interest in doing a Pemi Loop in a single day. They agreed, we went! 

 

I continued day in and day out to avoid dealing with what was happening to me, I just kept putting myself on a trail because it was where my brain would stop. It was also the one place and thing I knew my mother was so proud I had found in my life. It put me at ease to know, I am at peace when on a trail. Also to know that on a trail I had to put myself and my thoughts first. Being on a trail is where I learned self care. I learned to be vulnerable, and emotional, and patient.

It was about 6 weeks when I woke up and decided to solo the Presidential Traverse. It was in this hike of 21 miles by myself, I started going over things in my head. I started to process through what was reality and what was denial for me. I started to pick my own brain. Ask myself why I did certain things, did I do them the way others would have, I started to dissect every small aspect of what my life was. It was on this hike I realized, this is what I needed. I needed to just be within my own thoughts, in the place that puts me at such great peace with the world and with myself to have this realization.

Three months after my mother's death, I found myself in a very deep dark place. I put myself in therapy once a week for the following months. Learning more and more about what I was going through. I was simply falling victim to PTSD and had developed severe anxiety and panic disorder. I had no idea what any of that meant as I had never experienced such things in my life.

The PTSD was caused by all of the trauma and headaches I went through with my family when my mother was sick and dying. This is what was causing me to lose sleep at night in fear of waking up to these horrific nightmares. Then the anxiety started to kick in. One day I found myself at the grocery store, and within minutes of walking in my heart started to race, I felt the walls closing in on me and wanted nothing more than to run out screaming. So I left. Other days I would come home from work and out of nowhere I would be hit with this wave of grief and find myself crying endlessly on the bathroom and kitchen floor.

Myself, Lina, Mom

I was diagnosed with complicated grief by my therapist and with that came the PTSD and the anxiety and panic disorders. I knew that I had to find my way out of this hole as quick as I could and the only way I knew how was to hike.

Christmas morning, I woke up. It was a beautiful sunny day in the Mountains. It was weird. I woke up to no call from my mother and I couldn't call her. I opened my phone for a quick moment to realize it was a bad idea to watch everyone post on social media about their happy morning opening gifts with their loved ones.

I quickly turned my phone off, packed my pack and took my dog to Mount Washington. As I pulled into the parking lot, I realized how alone I actually was. In so many ways I was scared. I was rambling through my head about what my mother would say to me if she were still here. 

As soon as my feet hit the trail, I reminded myself to slow done. I reminded myself that life is not a race to the finish line. It's simply about taking your time and understanding and appreciating all the small things while you can.

Hiking has always been a reminder to me that no matter how big or small, be grateful. No matter how easy or how hard, be proud. No matter how pretty or how ugly, compliment. Those trails put me in a state of such calm, they open my eyes up to such beauty big and small. Those trails taught me how to appreciate even the smallest gifts of life such as fresh blueberries, or the smell of fresh mountain air. They have simply taught me meditation in a way no other could.

It’s been 11 months since my mother passed and I have learned to manage and prevent my anxiety and panic disorders. They have become less frequent since spending more time in the mountains. Hiking  and exercise has always been the best form of coping with my mental health and always brings me back peace to my life. It has simply helped me learn to be present.

Mom Passed June 5th, 2019
Hikes following:
July 4, 2019: (BAXTER STATE PARK) Hamlin Peak, Baxter Peak, & Pamola Peak
July 7, 2019: PEMI LOOP
July 10, 2019: Sunset Hike on Tecumseh
July 13, 2019: Cannon Mountain
July 25, 2019: Solo Presidential Traverse